Bum Steer
by sesheta255
Summary: Shepard's plans for shore leave are cut short by an unusual request from Anderson and she is not amoosed.


I'm back! More random stupidity, run in fear. This was brought about by a news story about a runaway cow. Spelling and grammar mistakes are deliberate….for the most part, lol. Thanks to Star for her excellent beta-ing.

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><p><strong>Bum Steer<strong>

Shepard stood in the Normandy's airlock waiting for it to complete its decontamination process so that she could go to her room and sleep for at least more that the usual few hours. She'd spent the last few days meeting what seemed like just about every person that had survived the attack on the Citadel. After several days of smiling, shaking hands, kissing babies, and generally making small talk, she was ready for her much anticipated shore leave with Kaidan. Despite her tiredness the thought of him brought the first genuine smile to her face in days and it stayed there as the airlock opened to reveal him waiting for her.

He stepped forward and held out a cup of hot chocolate to her, "Shepard, you look beat."

"Just what every girl wants to hear Kaidan. Thanks." She reached forward and ran a hand across his cheek. "I really need to get some sleep, or the 'Saviour of the Citadel' may be the next person to attack it."

He pushed her in the direction of her cabin, "Go and relax, I'll bring you something to eat and make sure no-one disturbs you."

"What would I do without you?" She'd only taken two steps when Joker called her. "Commander, incoming message from Councilor Anderson, I'll patch it through to the comm. room."

She swore loudly causing several crew members in the immediate vicinity to make themselves scarce, motioning for Kaidan to follow her as she stomped to the comm. room.

Anderson appeared on the screen as she walked into the room. "Shepard, something's come up that only you can deal with. I know that you are supposed to have a couple of day's shore leave but I need you for an urgent mission. It's an easy one so you and your people should get plenty of rest before you return to active service."

She shook her head. "If this is another photo opportunity forget it. If I have one more flash go off in my face I'll be declared legally blind, not to mention that my hand is so sore from shaking every sweaty palm on the Citadel that I doubt I can even fire my rifle."

"This will take you off the Citadel and should be quite relaxing. You shouldn't even need to fire a shot." Anderson sighed before adding, "Ambassador Maglan's pet cow has gone missing and we need you to find it."

"Yeah, because it's my ultimate fantasy to spend my shore leave being a cowpoke," she muttered sarcastically. "Why me? I'm not exactly familiar with cows."

"Your reputation precedes you. The ambassador specifically requested you. This could be politically good for the earth, Shepard. The ambassador represents quite a large trade conglomerate."

Joker snickered before joining in on the conversation. "The ambassador does know that Shepard's reputation means that she is more likely to shoot it, or punch it, or warp it, doesn't he? He may not get it back in the condition he last saw it in, you know, alive."

Shepard muttered under her breath for a moment before replying. "Well I haven't shot you," she paused before adding, "yet."

"It's not like I don't know you haven't thought about it Shepard."

Anderson laughed, "Joker, everyone who's ever worked with you has thought about it."

Shepard turned back to Anderson, "So let me get this straight. You want me to search the galaxy for a damn cow? How in hell will I know if it's the right cow? And how would it have gotten off the Citadel? Maybe someone needs to do a more thorough search."

Joker was laughing in earnest now, "Yeah, has anyone checked the entertainment district? I've _herd_ it's a popular spot for cows. It might have wanted to listen to some moosic, or take in a mooovie."

Shepard groaned. "I think what I said about not having shot you yet is about to become redundant."

Anderson cleared his throat, "Well apparently this cow does have a rather unique talent. It steals credits from anyone who stands too close to it. That should make it easier to find."

Shepard threw her hands in the air, "Of course, the obvious talent for a politician's prized cow. So I'm just supposed to wander up to every cow I see with my pockets stuffed full of credits? With all due respect Sir, I've had enough political bullshit over the last few days to last me a lifetime, and now you want me to go tiptoeing through it to look for a damn cow?"

Joker commented, "It stole some credits, now it's on the lam. It seems almost too much of a _cowincidence_ that your name's Shepard. You might want to think about changing it. What do you think Alenko?"

Anderson sighed in relief. "Alenko's there? Good. No biotics Shepard, or rocket launchers. Take Alenko with you, he can put it in stasis so you can catch it."

"Yeah, I don't think a warp will do it much good," Joker added.

Shepard sighed, "So he's allowed to use biotics but I'm not? Why does everyone think that I have to kill everything I see?"

"Uh Shepard, your record kind of speaks for itself," Joker added. "Let's hope word of this mission doesn't get out. We'll be the laughing stock of the fleet."

"Good luck Shepard. I'll be here if you need me." Anderson hastily closed the comm link.

Shepard stalked from the comm room. "Kaidan, get Pressly to find some planets where a cow might be hiding. I really need to get some sleep. With any luck I'll wake up and this will all be some bizarre dream."

"Aye, Aye, Shepard." He chuckled, "I'll make sure Pressly doesn't give you a bum steer."

She stopped and turned to face him, "You too?" She shook her head and stalked to her cabin muttering under her breath.

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><p>Shepard's mood had improved only slightly when she had woken to find that she hadn't been dreaming and the mission she's been given really was to find a cow. She was sitting in the mess thinking sourly about the mission when Garrus and Kaidan joined her.<p>

"Chewing the cud, Shepard?" Garrus asked as he sat down opposite her.

Kaidan placed a cup of coffee on the table for her as he sat beside her. "Cow are you this morning, Shepard?"

She gave them a withering look. "This mission may be the death of me. But since you two are in such jovial moods I won't be dying alone; you'll be accompanying me." She paused then added, "In the Mako."

The both groaned. "I'm sure Liara and Tali would love a trip in the Mako," Garrus added hopefully. "Liara might be able to do a mind meld thing on the cows and point out which one is the Ambassador's.

Joker chose this moment to let his presence be known. "Oh, we could…."

Shepard interrupted before he could continue. "Don't go there, Joker." She turned to Kaidan, "What did you and Pressly come up with?"

"I checked with Anderson and there's been no ransom note so the theory is that an animal rights group may have grabbed it and set it free. There are three planets where there are herds of wild space cows, two in the Maroon Sea and one in the Kepler Verge."

"Good thing we're in the Milky Way. That should make things easier." Joker added.

"Why me?" Shepard muttered. "Just head to the Maroon Sea, Joker."

"Aye, Aye, Commander, heading for greener pastures now." Joker wisely cut the comm at that point.

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><p>Joker set them down in the Mako on Nodacrux and Shepard headed to the position that the Normandy's scanners had pinpointed life forms. Kaidan and Garrus both exchanged pained looks as they realised that Shepard was heading straight for the mountains.<p>

"Here we go again," Garrus muttered as they drove straight off the top of the mountain range. Unfortunately, they landed directly on top of one of the cows that had been grazing in the valley.

"I hope that wasn't the Ambassador's cow," Kaidan said rubbing the elbow he'd banged on landing.

Joker laughed over the comm, "I don't think bullfighting in the Mako is very sporting Shepard."

Shepard ignored him as she climbed out of the Mako and walked towards the rest of the herd. Most of them fled except for one who pawed the ground as she approached.

"If that was the Ambassador's cow there's going to be a hell of a lot of political bullshit thrown in our direction." Garrus added as he and Kaidan climbed from the Mako and began to follow her.

"Well she hasn't used her biotics or the rocket launcher, yet, so I guess we should be thankful for that. I think she's mellowed a bit."

"Ah, Shepard, I don't know if now's a good idea for your usual style of taking the bull by the horns," Garrus called out as he turned and headed back towards the Mako.

He and Kaidan climbed back into the Mako and Kaidan sat at the open door ready to throw a stasis at the bull as it rapidly gained on Shepard who was now running full speed towards them. She dove towards the open door, landing awkwardly on Kaidan as Garrus hit the controls to close the door. She lay there breathing heavily, unable to move for the moment.

"Are you okay, Shepard?" Kaidan asked and gave a pleased smile as she nodded her head.

Joker took advantage of Shepard's momentary inability to speak, "You may want to give Shepard and Alenko some privacy Garrus. It sounds like she's feeling a bit horny."

"Joker, Shepard will tan your hide when we get back to the Normandy, you know," Garrus laughed as he watched the blush spread over Kaidan's face.

Just get ready to pick us up, Joker," Kaidan said as he helped Shepard into a sitting position and took the controls of the Mako. He grinned at her and added, "I think Shepard has been bullied enough for today."

"You know Shepard, this is the first time a part of one of your missions could be classed as an udder failure, but I'm sure Alenko will massage your calves if you ask him," Joker laughed as he cut the comm.

* * *

><p>As they drove along a thankfully flat area on Chasca, Kaidan watched Shepard intently. Her mood had worsened since yesterday and he could only hope that the cow they had squashed with the Mako was not the one they were searching for or Shepard would not be pleasant to be around. Not that she was a bundle of joy at the moment, especially after she had found him and Garrus in the mess regaling everyone with the tail of yesterday's adventure. It didn't help that Garrus had been doing a fairly credible imitation of Shepard in full flight running from the bull. She'd barely spoken to them since.<p>

Garrus broke the silence in the Mako. "There's a herd of cows up ahead, Shepard. Can you tell if one of them is the one we're looking for?"

"How am I supposed to tell if the Ambassadors cow is there just by looking at them?" She replied through gritted teeth.

Joker had left the comm open, "It's on vacation, Shepard, just look for the one in a moomoo."

Shepard turned to Kaidan, "Do you have any ideas that will stop me from having to get too close to them?"

Kaidan shrugged, "I don't know, it steals credits so just grab the shifty looking one."

They're all shifty looking," Shepard said dryly. "I wonder if the Ambassador would like a whole herd of them."

Garrus looked at her in disbelief. "That's just grazy talk, Shepard."

"Uh Shepard, you really think you can catch a whole herd? Garrus, Alenko, one of you had better get pictures. Shepard did such a good job of wrangling yesterday, and that was only one cow. It would be a great addition to film night."

"You know, the death penalty for killing my whole crew is starting to look worthwhile," she remarked angrily as she brought the Mako to a stop a short distance from the herd of cows. "I think we'll just sit here and observe them for a while, get them used to our presence."

"Yeah, it's probably better not to go at them like a bull at a gate this time, but if I'd known we would be on a steak out I would have brought snacks," Garrus joked as they climbed out of the Mako.

Over the next couple of hours they crept closer and closer to the herd of cows. "Make sure you have credits on you and be alert for a cow that's stealing them." Shepard instructed as she walked very slowly towards the herd.

It wasn't long before Kaidan had quite a few cows following him. One in particular was coming very close to him and nudging his ass as he walked.

"Kaidan you seem to have made a friend, or yet another female has fallen for your ass." Garrus laughed shooting a look towards Shepard who was now staring at the cow as if it were a Reaper.

Shepard was fed up with the whole thing by now. She could have been on shore leave relaxing with Kaidan but instead she was hot, sweaty and traipsing around a field trying to avoid stepping in cowpats. "Oh to hell with that," she muttered as she threw a singularity at the cow.

Kaidan dove away from the biotic attack as the cow started to spin around helplessly. Shepard cursed herself for her lack of control, but couldn't help smiling at the open mouthed looks on her squads faces.

"What did you do that for, Shepard?" Kaidan asked as he continued to watch the cow spin.

Shepard gave him a sheepish look. "I didn't like the way it was looking at you, it was up to something."

"You were jealous of a cow? Really?" Kaidan asked incredulously. "Should I remind you that the whole point of this mission is to find a cow that was up to something?"

"Did it steal any credits from you?" Shepard asked as she stared at the ground, wishing it would open up and swallow her.

Garrus could barely contain his laughter. "In all fairness to Shepard, it was touching your ass Kaidan, and it could have been a lot worse. At least she didn't hit it with a warp."

As Kaidan checked his pockets and Garrus filled Joker in on what had happened the cow landed on the ground with a thud but they were all pleased to see it get to its feet and stagger off dizzily.

"No credits missing, Shepard" he told her warily.

"See, no harm done and I was right, it was up to something."

"What was that you were saying yesterday about Shepard mellowing a bit?" Garrus asked as they made their way back to the Mako.

Joker waited till they were back in the Mako waiting for pick up before saying, "I'm disappointed in you Shepard. Don't you know the old saying, 'do unto udders as you would have them do unto you'?"

"Shut up all of you. Not another word." She leaned forward and flicked off the comm. "At least I can turn one of you off," she grimaced as she silently added, _for the moment._

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><p>Shepard studiously ignored Kaidan and Garrus as they drove around Ontarom in the Kepler Verge the next day. The stupid grins on both their faces when they had joined her in the Mako had not helped her mood.<p>

After several hours of standing around every herd of cows they came across her temper was getting the better of her. "That's it. I'm done. We'll just have to tell the Ambassador that his cow met an unfortunate accident on Nodacrux. Let's head back to the Mako." She turned and headed towards the vehicle seemingly talking to herself. "Why would anyone trust a politician who has a cow that steals credits anyway? If Anderson asks me, I'll tell him that we're better off without trade agreements with an Ambassador that has a shifty cow"

Both Kaidan and Garrus had been trying to speak to her for a few minutes before Kaidan finally got her attention.

"Uh, Shepard. You may want to turn around slowly. There has been a cow following you for the last twenty minutes."

Shepard stopped and turned, staring at the cow as she checked her pockets. "Son of a bitch, it really does steal credits." She contacted Joker to get ready for pick up.

"Shepard, how are we going to get it into the Mako? There's not a lot of room in there and I'm not sure it will be able to get in by itself." Kaidan asked, looking from the cow to the Mako's door. "Do we really want to be in the Mako with a cow anyway?"

"Well, I do have two males with me that are both as strong as an ox. It's a good thing you've both been beefing up in the gym. I'm sure you'll be able to lift it in and control it while we are being picked up." She grinned at them, pleased that the end of this ridiculous mission was now in sight and that she was able to get some of her own back on them. "You'll both just have to muster up your strength."

Joker interrupted their groans. "You could try calling it you know. While you people were going about things the hard way I was checking on a few things and found out this cow has a name, a name that it answers to." He sniggered before adding, "But I don't think you're going to like it Shepard."

"No. I don't want to hear it Joker."

"That's right Shepard." He was laughing out loud now. "Its name is Mary Sue. But you can take comfort in the fact that if you were a cow your name would be Bossy.

Kaidan noticed the look of irritation on Shepard's face. "Joker I really wouldn't push Shepard at the moment, she's in a bad moood."

"And that's different to normal?" Joker asked. "Don't worry Shepard. I'll make sure there's a glass of milk waiting for you and I'll get someone to rustle up some dinner. That will make you feel better."

"Now you two are just being udderly ridiculous," Garrus laughed as Shepard started muttering under her breath again.

He wasn't laughing later as he sat in the Mako with the cow across his lap.

"Well I can honestly say that I'm glad my droving days are over." Shepard remarked grinning at Garrus' discomfort.

"I wish you'd say that about the Mako." Garrus muttered under his breath as they hit a particularly large bump on the way to the pickup zone.

Once they were back on the Normandy Shepard looked around for the best place to put her namesake while they headed back to the Citadel. "Damn it! Where the hell am I supposed to put it?"

"Don't have a cow, Shepard." Joker remarked. "Mission's over and it's back to the old ranch. I'm sure you'll figure something out."

"Well I guess it can bunk with you then, Joker. That way we can keep all the bullshit in one place."

"You wouldn't."

"Try me."

"You would!" He swore under his breath for a moment. "How udderly delightful."


End file.
